The Challenge

Alex Tan has sensationally challenged members of the YPAP to a public debate at the Speakers’ Corner.

The Boys In White vs Alex Tan. That would be something wouldn’t it. The potential future leaders of Singapore (by default, of course) going head to head with Alex Tan. If you’re asking yourself  ”Who in the blue hell is Alex Tan?”, don’t worry. I did too. Refer to the Temasek Review for all details regarding the case.

Am I worried that Alex will lose? Nope. But that’s only because there is no way the Boys will take up the challenge. Why? Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that if the ruling party detects even the slightest chance of them losing, be it a competition or face, they will back off. They just can’t take losing. Its not a bad trait, too. Its when that fear of failure drives you to the brink of insanity that you have to be wary.

In other news, surprise surprise. Expats have named Singapore the 4th most lively country. First of all, I think we’re all forgetting something. We’re a country again?

Be proud Singaporeans, we’re Number 4! But no, we shouldn’t stop there. Please expats, if there is anything we can do for you to make your life here more pleasant, let us know. Anything. Have more wine bars? Bring WWE to Singapore? Genetically engineer more SPGs? Just send an email to the goverment, and they’ll make it a reality. Don’t worry about costs, convenience for the locals, or anything like that. We’re aiming for the top spot.

Finally, nine ladies went “nude” on Orchard Road last Sunday. Nude with quotation marks. Things are almost ALWAYS better without quotation marks. Skin tight outfits don’t make you nude. They make you a tease. And not the good kind too.

Of Bad, Bad Ideas

Ris Low makes her return to the headlines today with her latest brainchild: a new pageant featuring three titles. Mr, Miss and Mrs Singapore. The article mentions the Ris has already “sent out an e-mail message to potential sponsors, such as malls and event organisers, spelling out details for the proposed event in the middle of next year”.

I see one major flaw in that statement. Ris Low can spell?

As the article so helpfully points out, we already have pageants using those three titles. Do we really need three more complete wastes of time, money and effort? If the answer is yes, then I say why stop there? Let’s build a big ferris wheel that will take people to the top of… Oh that’s already been done. Okay let’s build race tracks around the island so that fast cars can… Damn. Alright, alright, let’s build several new malls in the city district that are all actually similar except for their names and… Oh wow Singapore sure moves fast.

It seems like she won’t stop until she gets the attention she craves, so, since we’re producing brainchilds here, I have one of my own. Her very own Ris Low Day. One day out of 365, we hold a parade, yell her name in pseudo-adoration and take swigs out of champagne bottles, give thanks unto her in her name, and for the rest of the year she leaves us alone.

The Star Online today has published on its Citizen’s Blog, a piece written by what appears to be a concerned Malaysian citizen. Now, if you disregard the poor diction and read on, you’ll find that not only has this person noted several points that most Malaysians AND Singaporeans seem to have left out, he seems to disagree with the fuel cap with a passion.

He deserves a special mention because not only does he make good points, he does so while covering his tracks, subtly disagreeing with his Government and empathizing with not only his fellow Malaysians, but Singaporeans as well. I haven’t met many Malaysians with his sort of graciousness, so kudos my friend.

Finally, our favourite Minister is at it again. This time, the Havard Club of Singapore (HCS) are the unfortunate victims. They endured a thrilling address by our law Minister Mr Shanumugam who sought, once again, to assure anyone who’s willing to listen, that Singapore’s governance is exceptional.

His argument about Singapore being unique and therefore requiring a special sort of governance only the PAP can provide is really getting old. Its like saying that there’s no way a genetically engineered unicorn could outrun Seabiscuit. Until it happens, we can’t say for sure can we?

Of Annoyed Black Folks, More Annoyed Black Folks, And The Titanic’s Nemesis

It seems like Obama can’t make anyone happy at the moment. Sends troops to Afghanistan and he pisses people off. Receives the Nobel Prize but gives the concert a pass and he pisses people off. Creates a new job plan and still, he pisses people off. Prozac, Sir?

The latest of course, is that the members of the Congressional Black Caucus are annoyed that Obama hasn’t addressed the high unemployment figures for the black community. The word used in The Baltimore Sun article is “grim”. The Chairwoman of the Congressional Black Caucus, one Barbara Lee, argued her case.

Barbara Lee. Isn’t she amazing? She’s like the entire world in one person. White first name, Asian last name, shrewdness of a Jew, but she’s African-American.

Jokes aside, I do think she is an incredible person. The only person in Congress to vote against the authorization of use of force following 9/11. It’s rare to find an American who would say “No” to war after 9/11, but she did, and that deserves a lot of respect.

On to another piece of news, where Nigeria is apparently full of armed robbers. Amnesty International reports that the Nigerian Police have been indicted for what has been termed “unlawful killings”. The reports mentions that the police frequently claimed that the victims were ‘armed robbers‘ killed in ‘shoot-outs‘ or while attempting to escape from custody.

So in order to do my part and show some love to the West Africans, I have decided to come up with a few excuses they can use to justify the killings.

1. “My gun went off by itself!”

2. “I was trying to catch dinner but he dashed in front of my chicken!”

3. “I thought the safety was on! I even made ‘bang bang’ noises!”

4. “He was depressed and requested for me to put him out of his misery.”

5. “He trashed Jay-Jay Okocha!”

Finally, a giant iceberg almost twice the size of Hong Kong has been spotted drifting towards Australia. Which leads me to this latest inspiration. New sanctuary for cannibal polar bears?

Of Lethal Injections, Child Molesters and Boobies

The Associated Press reports today that Ohio has successfully trialled a single-drug injection administration of the death penalty. The usual number is three. According to the Southern Ohio Correctional Facility, this method is less painful, thus making it more humane.

How awesome is that? Finally, a time-saving solution for all prisons! One injection instead of three means doctors administering the drugs no longer have to put down the syringe, pick the other one up, flick it a few times and find the vein again. Isn’t that incredibly efficient. Not to mention humane, as well. One injection instead of three means less needle pricks, less blood, and quicker death. This deserves a Noble prize. Seriously, this is good stuff.

Here’s what the victim’s sister had to say upon witnessing the death of the inmate.

“Rock on,” Debi Heiss, Engstrom’s sister, said a moment earlier as the curtains were drawn for the coroner to check on Biros. “That was too easy.”

Rock on indeed. After all, there’s not much that could compare to the joy of watching a man die right in front of you, knowing that you enabled it. Prisons should organise after-parties, with party poppers, party hats, crazy string, and let’s not forget, Rock Band 2.

In local news, a man has pleaded guilty to molesting six underaged girls over a period of eight months, and here’s the messed up part; it all started with a toddler. This begs the age old question. “What the fuck is wrong with him?” The one year old was picked up and kissed on the lips.

It’s strange because child molesters usually start off a little older and slowly work their way down the timeline. This man has started off right at the bottom, and if he were to start exhibiting classic pedophile behaviour, what’s next for him? The maternity ward? Babies to the left, pregnant mothers to the right. Paradise.

Finally, Rachel C…Kum, the reigning Miss Singapore World (didn’t know who she was prior to reading this article), has admitted to breast augmentation before entering the pageant. I googled her images and I must say, I’m pretty impressed with the twins. And that photo of her almost swallowing a cake shaped like a penis. And of her attempting to bite someone in a penis costume. And… Okay this has to end.

My point is, why does it still come as a surprise? She entered a pageant. That says “MAKE ME FAMOUS BECAUSE I’M PRETTY”. People should already realise by now the superficiality, lack of depth and plain foolishness of Singaporean women (yes, yes, not all of you). Ris “Boomz” Low confirmed months ago that you don’t have to be even remotely intelligent to win a pageant. You just need to be prett… Oh wait that’s not it either. Ris Low is a horrible example.

Anyone with the ability to memorise lines, flash a mega-watt smile and lie successfully to the entire nation could win a pageant. Which is why they are unnecessary, unimportant and a tremendous waste of resources. Ladies, if you want to be famous, be a porn star, à la Tammy. Doesn’t even have to be intentional. Just come up with a nice “lost my phone/laptop/camcorder” story and you’re home free.

P S: Malaysian death row inmate Yong Vui Kong has been granted an extention of time by the Court of Appeal to file an appeal against his conviction and death sentence. Kudos to M Ravi for his constant, untiring efforts.

The Art of Interviews

As i was conducting my routine exploration of the inter-web in the office today, i stumbled upon this video. An interview with M. Ravi, a human rights lawyer who most recently, managed to obtain a stay of execution for this boy. Look past the torrid English and woeful presentation and interview skills of Mr Chia Ti Lik and listen to Mr Ravi.

As interested and concerned as I am with the state of politics and the justice system in Singapore, I must say, I’m not convinced. Not because the message wasn’t strong. I’m not convinced because of the way the video was filmed, the questions were posed, and the manner at which the conversation was carried out.

Compare that interview with this one between FEER and the legendary J B Jeyaratnam, whom i miss dearly. The first major difference is J B himself. No one could ever come close to J B when it comes to passion, conviction and charisma. Not your fault Ravi.

Second difference is that FEER’s interviewer did a better job. I cannot, for the life of me, stand to listen to the American accent (it doesn’t sound serious at all), but he was confident, well-prepared and always on hand to launch spontaneous questions. Mr Chia, whom, make no mistake, is quite a remarkable individual, sounds and looks like he’s reading off the script. Interviews are excellent tools, and for them to work most effectively, they have to be carried out extremely well. From a neutral standpoint, Chia’s interview with Ravi is poor, unimpressive, and I dare say that even people who are politically aware will be bummed to have wasted almost 10 minutes of their time.

J B’s interview however, and I may be slightly biased, was captivating. Especially at 2:19, “… and that’s why Jeyaratnam has to be destroyed”, and he flashes that smile. I watched this 8 minute video twice. J B’s knowledge and presentation is flawless, and the interviewer does a great job of keeping the conversation flowing. It may have that same, low-paced flow to it. But the content is what’s really worth noting.

Still,  I applaud Mr Chia for his efforts, past, present and future, and Mr Ravi for his stance on human rights and his work. Both of them are incredible human beings who will prove to be instrumental in the shaping of our nati… count… cit….. island state. For now, I await the final verdict on Vui Kong’s (the boy mentioned above) case, which should be going on now. Will the legal system once again prove itself to be what it is; clumsy, cruel, and completely void of reasoning, or will Anti-Death Penalty Campaigners get what they want?

Rednecks?

It seems that Singapore has been more influenced by American culture than we thought. We have rednecks now!

This article provides an interesting read. Pay special attention to what’s written at the bottom. 58 year old housewife living in a 2 storey bungalow is afraid of foreign workers and their secret magic skills. You know, wave of the hand, crime rates go up.

Now, two things don’t add up here. Number one, rednecks in America don’t usually own 2 storey bungalows (or do they?). Number two, 58 year old housewife seems to be under the impression that foreign workers are good climbers. They’d have to go over the gate, and assuming the front door is locked, they’d have to go up the walls and through a window. That’s one too many assumptions no?

I seem to be forgetting something. Oh right, the blinding prejudice.

Why am I not surprised that it’s a 58 year old housewife who’s so worried by the situation by the way, that she plans to move? It serves to demonstrate clearly the attitude of the elderly towards foreigners, and the perception that they are the ones messing up the place. How many times have you boarded a crowded bus and noticed an elderly woman sitting next to a foreign worker, covering her nose and mouth with her hands? How many times have you seen people on the train smirk when all the Indian workers alight at Outram Park? It seems the problem doesn’t just lie with the elderly, it lies with all of us.

Then again, why rid ourselves of our prejudices? After all, we’re victims too, no? Being Singaporeans, we’re supposed to be… let’s see, excellent at math, bad drivers, never tasted gum, dog-eaters, and unimpressive in the crotchal region, just to name a few. It’s no wonder we’re so bitter when it comes to dealing with foreigners in our country.

Today, they’re living in dormitories. Tomorrow, they may be making major decisions on whether to upgrade your elevators. All it takes is a few good decisions. Beware, and embrace them while you still can.

The Supperclub Invitation.

I’ve had this invitation in my inbox for a few days now, and didn’t get to reading it until a few minutes ago. It made my blood boil, and then i saw who the admins were and suddenly it all began to make perfect sense.

ACS Independent, ACS Independent. Trust the kids to come up with something like that. Using Nostradamus to promote a party. First of all, NostraDAME was an idiot. Any doctor who turns to astrology, prophecy and divinity deserves that title.

There is absolutely no evidence of Nostradame’s prophecies being fulfilled. None. In fact, the word used in the wiki page is “useless”. Ouch. But of course, being possibly the only cool sounding name thats more than 5 letters long, and with the doomsday prophecy hanging off the back of everyone’s minds after the abomination that is “2012″, the kids have to exploit it.

“Come Friday, 18 December 2009. Let’s party before we die.”

Let’s party 3 years before we die? This better be one hell of a party, or one that lasts at least 35 months. If you’re going to entice people into coming to a party and try to sound smart at the same time, at least say things that make sense. Remember, you may fool people, but that’s only because they are as unintelligent as you are.

Mistakes.

A real gem of a story.

A while ago, our beloved Law Minister Mr Shanmugam tried, desperately and to no avail, to explain Singapore’s “fair and just” legal system at the New York State Bar Association. Nobody caught any balls there, supposedly. During this speech, he mentioned that Singapore should be judged as a city, and not a country. Therefore, people shouldn’t criticise our political system so much.

How does that even make sense?

Right, so lets see. Malaysia, country, plays in World Cup qualifiers. England, country, already through to South Africa. Wait a minute, didn’t we play in the World Cup qualifiers too? Well if we are a city, then I say let New York play in the World Cup as a separate entity. If we get to do it, so should they. Its only fair.

After decades and decades of hard work by his pals to make this coun… cit… okay place. To make this place a tourism paradise, financial epicentre, technology hub… He comes out and with one whip of his tongue, destroys all that. All to convince the world that our legal system is just? Is it really worth it?

Of course, give him a couple of days and he’ll clear it up. He’ll say he didn’t mean it that way. So we’re not a country, neither are we a city. We’re an island, how’s that?

And then, to our pledge. That pile of meaningless words they make students recite over and over again everyday day of their school lives. Remember the last line?

“….. and progress for our nation.”

Nation? They should change it. They have to now. So as to achieve happiness, prosperity, and progress for our island. Has a nice ring to it doesn’t it?

There are a couple of rebuttals right at the bottom of the article, vindicating Shanmugam. The last one in particular caught my eye.

“…. Lets get this straight… no one said anything about Singapore being a country. We have always been a city.”

The Journey of a Decade, are you being intentionally dense? Do the words NATIONAL service mean anything to you? Does the pledge ring any bells? Or do you think that FIFA, the RWB, the WFPI, the API, the UN and countless others made a mistake by adding us, a mere city, into their international ranking indexes? That’s too serious a boo boo, don’t you think?

Stop trying to convince anyone of anything. Because slowly but surely, the truth is breaking free. You can plug one hole with your finger, but if there are eleven holes and your penis isn’t big enough to plug that last hole, your boat is still going to sink. And sink it shall.

The Search For Irony.

Many people ask me why. Why Alvin, why the obsession with irony? Today, i found the ideal answer.

Swine Flu kills Pakistan Haij Pilgrim

Life gets just a little more bearable with headlines like these around.

Unfair?

http://news.asiaone.com/News/the%2BStraits%2BTimes/Story/A1Story20091126-182326.html

Holy shit. 26 November 2009 is truly a date to remember. A Singapore court is acknowledging an unfair law. That’s the equivalent of the proverbial pot acknowledging how black it is. Completely made my day.