“Appendectomy at 4. After that i’m all yours…”
Jamie’s on the phone with his wife. Or mistress. Or girlfriend who’s here to visit. He has a smile on his face, the kind of smile that says he’s going to get some tonight, the kind of smile that makes me want to gouge his eyeballs out and stuff them into his mouth, force them down his throat and watch him slowly choke to death.
I walk into the doctor’s lounge for coffee and maybe a line or two but Bobby’s in here and he’s watching a Friends rerun and laughing but i know he really only watches it to ogle at Lisa Kudrow. He notices me staring at his skull and winks.
“That Kudrow really is something huh? Look at that ass. I’d kill to spank it for a night or two.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
As i reply, my eyes wander across the room. My gaze falls upon the fruit knife laying on the counter. The German manufactured blade shimmers under the light. Bobby’s eyes are glued to the screen again and i alternate glances between the fruit knife and the back of his head and i think to myself, it would be so easy. So easy. Bobby’s a neurosurgeon, and a brilliant one too. It would be so ironic.
I don’t understand how some drivers can fall asleep on the wheel. I swear to god, the last hour was one of the most petrifying, horrendous, stressful hours of my year. How can you fall asleep when cars are driving behind you, beside you, towards you, all fucking around you? Either you seriously believe in god, or you’ve had a miserable life. Or maybe you just trust all the other drivers to stay the hell away from you. I don’t know. Me, i guess i’m too paranoid to drive.
“Aspergillosis, histoplasmosis, candidiasis, blastomycosis, coccidioidomycosis, tinea pedis and cryptococcosis. There are only seven known fungal infectious diseases to date. Maybe you can go somewhere and bring us the eighth, Mr Taylor,”
The young intern looks like he’s ready to start bawling his eyes out but i can hardly care because i am feeling so good about myself and the arrogance in my voice gives me a hard-on that i have to try and hide beneath the long white coat.
“I’m sorry sir. I forgot…”
“Its okay son. We all make mistakes. I’m sure your parents would agree to that if they were here to experience the abomination that is your ability to answer simple questions,” I fix my eyes upon his and imagine i’m actually piercing him with my stare.
He bows his head slightly, staring down at his horrible-looking loafers which probably costed him half his pay check. He fails miserably in trying to hide his tears; one already rolling down his cheek. He scrambles to wipe it off and i think i feel something like a tinge of guilt or pity but then it dissipates as soon as i realise how good his navy blue scrubs would look on me.
Turning my attention towards the rest of the interns, who are now so quiet you could mouth the word “rabies” and still hear it, I make up my mind to spend the remaining 5 minutes of rounds berating them just so i can feel better about myself but then my beeper goes off and its a code. I drop my charts and walk off briskly but not before giving the interns my patented “I’m going to kill all of you” look. Its amusing to know that they all think its just a joke.
This has been bugging me for as long as i can remember and i feel like it has to get out before it devours me from the inside. It truly annoys me when someone uses the term “no pun intended”.
A pun is defined as a deliberate play on a word for comic effect. You can’t unintentionally make a deliberate play on a word. You can’t accidentally purposely kiss my ass, can you? You either want to kiss my ass, or you slipped and your lips landed on my butt cheeks.
Next time if you really want to impress whoever it is you want to impress, try using “forgive the pun”. It shows you have the actual capability to play with words, and also have the good grace to not be arrogant about it. Though, “sorry i kissed your ass” doesn’t really make sense. Or does it…?