I first went to church, probably around 7 years ago. Back then it was a new, exciting experience. For the first time, i experienced acceptance like never before. The people, you’d think they were on smack. The sermons, they were so captivating. So passionate. 7 years later, i look back at all the time wasted, and i wish my foot was long and bendy enough so i can stick it up my own ass.
Over the years, my fascination with science has brought me to places i never thought i’d be as a child. The discovery of Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” opened new worlds for me. Understanding the theory of evolution drove me to the brink of atheism, yet there was much more to why i so severely despised the religion.
I think about it all the time. Could it be due to the fact that i wasted too much time on fairy tales? Yes but its more than just that. Is it because the church has proven itself to be deceptive, cruel and uptight? Yes, but there’s more. For years i struggled to find the answer. I questioned myself repeatedly, vigorously. I questioned others on the same level. I read material by famous philosophers, determined to find the answer to my question in their words. At the height of my desperation, i sought to accept the religion and understand why from there. Today, i’ve finally found it.
Religion, and Christianity, in particular, is not accepted on the grounds of rationality and argumentation. It is accepted on emotional grounds. It is not logic that entices people to Christianity. It is emotion, fear, in particular. The fear of death, the fear of not having someone looking after you, the fear… of knowing. There is no greater encumbrance than fear itself. Fear impedes, fear destroys, fear cripples, and fear will ultimately cost you everything.
People need something or somewhere to turn to when they’re full of emotion. Anger, sorrow, joy, despair. It disgusts me to see people turn to god in despair, not only because it shows they’re desperate enough to turn to something they don’t even see nor hear, nor touch, nor feel, but also because more often than not, that is the only time they ever turn to god. It absolutely repulses me. If there really is a god, then people like that do not deserve his blessings. The point is, i’ve never been much of an emotional person. They, however, wear their hearts on their sleeves, display their linen in public, and that is probably why they annoy me so much.
While finding my answer gives me satisfaction, its not nearly enough. I want more. There’s still so much to uncover.