ambiguity

August 11, 2008

Never Again.

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:16 pm

Its finally dawning on me that i’ve hardly moved forward at all. All this while i’ve been talking about what i believe in, my philosophies, my theories, and as i sit in front of my computer on this cold monday night, i realise how vulnerable i’ve allowed myself to become. How big a hole i’ve allowed to be opened up on my armour. And as always, the method of discovering this hole is for someone to stick a spear in and plunge it deep into my chest.

It really is fascinating, how i’ve managed to become disilliusioned by everything that’s happened. And its amazing, how one can never truly be used to the pain, even if it strikes over and over and over again. Trivial as it may seem to most, what you did speaks more words than a picture ever could. It says, move aside. it says, your services are no longer required. Most of all, it says, you are so easily replacceable its hardly believable. And the style and grace that you did it with, remarkable. Swift and silent and oh so deadly.

At first, i began to ask myself why. Then i realised the answer to the question is simply “because i let it.” Because of tiny decisions that i have made over the course of this year, i have sparked off a terrifying chain of events that has resulted in this tragicomedy.

Then i asked myself “what now?” It took a full two seconds for the voice in my head to give me the answer. “Never. Again.”

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