April 21, 2009

i know why.

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 12:39 am

I first went to church, probably around 7 years ago. Back then it was a new, exciting experience. For the first time, i experienced acceptance like never before. The people, you’d think they were on smack. The sermons, they were so captivating. So passionate. 7 years later, i look back at all the time wasted, and i wish my foot was long and bendy enough so i can stick it up my own ass.

Over the years, my fascination with science has brought me to places i never thought i’d be as a child. The discovery of Darwin’s “The Origin of Species” opened new worlds for me. Understanding the theory of evolution drove me to the brink of atheism, yet there was much more to why i so severely despised the religion.

I think about it all the time. Could it be due to the fact that i wasted too much time on fairy tales? Yes but its more than just that. Is it because the church has proven itself to be deceptive, cruel and uptight? Yes, but there’s more. For years i struggled to find the answer. I questioned myself repeatedly, vigorously. I questioned others on the same level. I read material by famous philosophers, determined to find the answer to my question in their words. At the height of my desperation, i sought to accept the religion and understand why from there. Today, i’ve finally found it.

Religion, and Christianity, in particular, is not accepted on the grounds of rationality and argumentation. It is accepted on emotional grounds. It is not logic that entices people to Christianity. It is emotion, fear, in particular. The fear of death, the fear of not having someone looking after you, the fear… of knowing. There is no greater encumbrance than fear itself.  Fear impedes, fear destroys, fear cripples, and fear will ultimately cost you everything.

People need something or somewhere to turn to when they’re full of emotion. Anger, sorrow, joy, despair. It disgusts me to see people turn to god in despair, not only because it shows they’re desperate enough to turn to something they don’t even see nor hear, nor touch, nor feel, but also because more often than not, that is the only time they ever turn to god. It absolutely repulses me. If there really is a god, then people like that do not deserve his blessings. The point is, i’ve never been much of an emotional person. They, however, wear their hearts on their sleeves, display their linen in public, and that is probably why they annoy me so much.

While finding my answer gives me satisfaction, its not nearly enough. I want more. There’s still so much to uncover.


  1. Hey Alvin, this is Lynette from YI previously if you remember. I’m at your blog cause I thought I saw you at Ikea the other day and so I went on your facebook to find some clue. Did not, but I found your blog instead. I read this post and I know its super hypocritical that I’ve not spoken to you since what feels like the beginning of time, but nevertheless, I’ve eventually decided to leave a comment here and its okay if you don’t read/reply, really.

    I know what you feel towards Christians, and I’m not going to protect it just because I am one. I know where this post is coming from, because I’ve been there too. I’ve studied Evolution very thoroughly, I’ve read Darwin’s Origin of Species, Freud’s Civilizations and its Discontents, Nietzsche’s works (Human All Too Human, A Nietzsche Reader) and a lot more from other particularly anti-christ/religion academics. I’ve also read the neutral ones that are pretty agnostic like Wittgenstein. (I’ve even done Southeastern Philosphy and will be going to China late June this year to study the Chinese Philosophy). And then there are the Christian ones… basically, I’ve only gone through C.S Lewis and Ravi Zacharias.

    Anyway, I’m not trying to impress you with my book list, but something you mentioned struck me. A lot of the things you said in this post I may not be able to comment, but I refute this one about religion being based solely on emotions. (I think you might have said that because of Nietzsche?) Objectively speaking, Christianity IS based on rationality, and I refer you to Mere Christianity by C.S Lewis (probably tens and thousands of other books, but I thought Lewis presented it really well, and clearly). This perhaps not descriptively, but at the very least (which I believe is what is important), normatively. Its hard to find real Christianity in the church or anyone else because where there is Human, there is Human.

    I don’t want to end up imposing my point of view on you in case you think its biased, because I cant be too sure I’m being objective for any thing else, but let me assure you that I’ve had my doubts (and I still do) and I’ve really been (or still am in) the place you refer to in this post. Nevertheless, I’ve only come to 2 very stable and irrefutable conclusions so far, though the rest may remain debatable. 1) God is real. 2) The world is created by God. (I’m not even talking about the Christian God in particular.)

    Naturally, I’d encourage you to really read Lewis and start with him before going into any other resources, and maybe you can make a decision after that. And very honestly speaking, I’d like to know your response after reading Lewis.. but there’s no obligation in that anyway.

    Comment by lynette — May 24, 2009 @ 1:06 am

  2. Yes you did see me Lynette. I wasn’t quite sure it was you either.

    I welcome your comments and opinions. However, i firmly disagree with your “irrefutable” conclusions. Christian philosophers can argue that according to the first cause argument, the universe must have been created by a being outside the universe. God. But if we agree with the first cause argument, it also means we must agree that something must have created God. After all, everything must have a first cause. In that case, we’ll never be able to find the source, because there never will be one. Therefore, first cause argument, out.

    You claim that God is real. No one can make such claims because no one knows for sure. Not even Richard Dawkins’ claims can be classified as irrefutable because he only strongly believes so, he doesn’t know so. That goes the same for you. The existence of God can never truly be proved or disproved.

    Even if God did exist, and we’re strictly talking about the christian god here, would you still worship him so fervently even after all the destruction he’s caused. The Crusades, the Thirty-Years war, St. Bartholomew’s Day Massacre. All these have been the result of conflicts between religions, and i’m only listing three. If history has taught us anything, its that religion will bring nothing but bloodshed. And this is the result God desires? If it isn’t, why doesn’t he do anything to stop it? Let me guess.. lessons to be learnt? His will be done? But at what cost?

    Many people ask me about Jesus, whether i believe he existed. I tell them i don’t know, but if he did, he wasn’t as good a man as the bible claims. He claimed to have been the son of god, sent to die for our sins. Buddha, whom we all know existed, was a much wiser man than jesus because he specifically told his disciples not to raise him to the level of a god. He told them that he was just a man. Which one sounds like the better man to you?

    Would you commit murder, rape or robbery if you knew that no God existed? If your answer is no, then the concept of religion and the existence of god is completely redundant. Books can only give you so many clues, they never give you answers. I will read Lewis, but my stance won’t change.

    Comment by theinkhorn — May 24, 2009 @ 4:10 am

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