December 31, 2009

The Chinese

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:06 am

It is the last day of 2009, and as we brace ourselves to enter yet another mundane year, self-respecting writers all over the globe are scrambling to put the finishing touches on their respective year-end articles. I did it as early as the 26th, and that therefore gives me time to write about incredible China.

China, one of the world’s oldest civilisations, boasting rich history, almost 10 million square kilometres of land and a 1.4 billion strong population, is destined to be a major power. Her impact on the world we know today cannot be doubted. Their economy has progressed significantly. One could argue that China is possibly only communist by name, and that within its veins runs the thick blood of capitalism. Her leaders are intelligent, making full use of the resources available to them. If we had the power to rewrite history, there is no doubt that one or two minor corrections would result in China being the most important nation in our modern society. Yet, I find myself posing the same question over and over again; What the fuck is wrong with the Chinese?

Chinese newspapers and web users have ignored all condemnation from Britain and hailed the execution of drug trafficker Akmal Shaikh. One headline reads “China No Longer an Amusement Park for Crimes of Foreigners”. In my last post, I wondered (out loud) if the Chinese were still feeling bitter about the Opium war. A web user from Guangxi confirms my suspicions, claiming it to be “a day that Chinese people held their heads up and it’s a day to comfort national heroes…who fought against opium smoking”.

Let me state first and foremost that I utterly condemn the execution. Even more so, I condemn these remarks. They disgust me, and it pains me to read about such ignorance and cruelty. The petulance of the Chinese, even after their government has taken the life of a man deemed to be mentally unstable for an offence that should not warrant a death sentence, sickens me.

It was previously stated that the amount of drugs found on Shaikh could have caused the deaths of over 25,000 people. This is where most people are mistaken. Drugs do not cause death. Similarly, guns do not cause deaths. The number one cause of death? Human beings.

It is downright ridiculous to suggest that such man-made, artificial entities could cause death. They are non-living objects, whose purpose is to be used and to function as part of modern society’s many unnecessary accessories. It is us, who are at fault.

Drugs cannot hurt us if we do not allow them to. Unless the cannabis plant suddenly grows arms and slashes you all over with its leaves.

For too long, drugs have been conveniently exploited and named as scapegoats. They have had fingers pointed at them by those who fervently refuse to admit that it is our responsibility to educate our youth on the dangers of drug use. We consistently push the blame on them for destroying the lives and minds of many. The truth is, eliminating all drugs will never work because there will always be alternative means of obtaining them. The only real way of annihilating the drug market is to educate. Inform. Teach. It is time to take responsibility.

If the Chinese think that instilling fear is the solution to crime, they are severely mistaken. There will be plenty more vandals, thieves, drug traffickers, prostitutes, robbers, murderers etc. How many are they going to kill before they realise that crime will never cease? How many have to die so that the Chinese can continue feeling proud that their nation practices such intolerance? What sort of education will it take for them to realise that reveling in the death of a mentally disturbed individual is not just cruel, but plain repulsive? And how long will it take all of us to understand that it is not our place to decide whether one’s life should end?

December 30, 2009

Of The Wonders Of China

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:26 am

Mr Mentor says NO to being a satellite! In a recent interview, our MM has emphasized that while we may have an “unspoken understanding” with China, we should not “descend to becoming a satellite of Beijing and some other power”. I had to take a large swig of my coffee to wake myself up a little.

Mmm. I find it amusing that while Yong Vui Kong awaits the verdict of his final appeal against mandatory death penalty for drug trafficking here, Briton Akmal Shaikh was executed in China yesterday for the same reason. The similarities are uncanny, no? But rest assured, we’re not the satellites.

On the subject of Akmal Shaikh, the mentally disturbed drug trafficker with a dream was executed via lethal injection instead of having to face a firing squad. So now we have the English and the Chinese locked in a conflict of sorts. China even went as far as issuing what i perceive to be a mild threat.

“We urge the British side to show respect to China’s judicial supremacy and redress the mistake immediately to avoid damaging bilateral relations,”

My my, someone’s feeling bitter about the Opium War.

My only hope is that they used that brand new Ohio method of lethal injection. Swift and deadly, and much less painful/more humane.

Finally, China continues to fight naked online boobies. According to this article, “digital porn is posing a dire threat to the country’s youth”. Thats tough.

You show them China. What does that porn think it is, forcing its way into the internet, squeezing into our browsers, coercing us into locking our doors and clicking on its links, forcing our eyelids open, our hands down our pants and our faces into expressions of pleasure tinged with slight agony and shame. Who do you think you are, pornography? Infecting the minds of kids and teenagers who want nothing more than to stay celibate til they get married, stay clear of sexual education, and avoid exposure to a natural process which enabled their existence. You got some balls pornography, but just you wait. The Chinese will get you.

“I am fairly sure that if they took porn off the internet, there would only be one website left and it would be called bring back the porn.”

Dr. Percival Cox, Scrubs

December 29, 2009

Special Edition: Who’s Pissing Me Off

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:16 am

In this very special post, we take a look at some of the wankers and morons who made my morning in the office a very pissy one,

1. Don’t make Singapore ‘another racist country’ – Chong Kok Kean

AsianOne today published a rebuttal to one Mr Edmond Lin’s article. Mr Chong delivers some… interesting points. Here are the ones I feel are… important.

  • “What this proposal is going to mean is that Mr Edmund Lin’s national identity card is pinker than mine and his passport is redder than my Singaporean children.”
  • “…one of the reasons many ex-Malaysians including myself, for example, became Singaporean citizens is that Malaysia is practising pro-Malays or Bumiputera politics, that’s why we were emigrating, so now that Mr Edmund Lin is trying to call for our Singapore Government to implement some sort of racist politics alike here but in another forms to split the old citizens from the new ones.”
  • “all citizens should be treated equally with equal rights”
  • “…so I do not want Singapore to end up becoming another racist country.”

Given our history, I really don’t think we’d be practicing “racist politics”, Chong. I do empathize with you; division is never good. But for the love of god, don’t be a drama queen. Buy some red markers, sit your kid down at the coffee table with your ICs and passports, and watch as the colours magically darken. Congratulations Chong, you are pissing me off.

2. Labour movement goes on the offensive – Lim “CBF” Swee Say

The man who “feels rich whenever he looks at his CPF statement” has gone on to talk about tripartism and his “CBF” plan for the economy to students of INSEAD. Now, he has stated the intention to launch an offensive movement after the supposedly successful defense against retrenchment and unemployment. What Lim doesn’t tell us is how an increase in GDP will benefit citizens as much as a dog can mew. Of course, it would also mean more trips to Australia for NTUC agents.

Cheaper, Better, Faster? Cheaper people, Better holidays and Faster methods of screwing us over? Mr  Lim, you are pissing me off.

3. Complain against The Online Citizen made to Singapore Police – Janet Wee

Who on earth is Janet Wee? The enigmatic personality launched a complaint against TOC to the SPF.She also CCed TOC, LKY, ST and Google.

Speculation is that Janet Wee could very well be Wee Shu Min, daughter of Ang Mo Kio GRC MP Wee Siew Kim, star of the elitism scandal of 2006. She was in the RJC scholarship programme so I guess it’s not really her fault that she’s such a wanker.

Sadly, Janet has failed to note that the link was actually carried from Martyn See’s blog. She also fails to note that the information has been drawn from the archival records in London. But hey, they’re records in London. Those bloody Brits must have amended them somehow. Poppycock!

What happens now remains to be seen. I can vouch confidently though that nobody will be wetting their pants so Janet, try harder. Now please, get out of my elite uncaring face. You’re pissing me off.

4. It’s your problem – LKY

Yes Singaporeans, remember, if we fail, it is our, and only our, fault. Our MM has said so himself. We lack drive, we’re not hungry, and our parents didn’t push us hard enough. So you can only blame yourself. The news was broken almost 5 days ago. Silly me, anticipating a reaction from the man, decided to leave the issue alone until one came. Maybe he broke his hip laughing at the incompetence of his fellow Singaporeans.

I really don’t need to explain this do I. Mr MM, you are really pissing me off.

Last, but definitely not least…

5. Be prouder of your country – Sam Ahmed

Wanker of the day, Sam Ahmed, wrote this article in the Straits Times last month, shown below in its entirety.

I REFER to Thursday’s report, ‘Singapore a top choice for migrants’. I am a new permanent resident, and this report not only makes me proud, but also affirms my fundamental belief that Singapore is destined to be a global centre from a financial standpoint and a cultural and social perspective.

After living most of my life in Sydney, Paris and Tokyo, I have embraced Singapore as my home – I never felt so intimate with the other cities.

My only beef with Singapore is that its citizens do not necessarily share my passion for this country. From personal observations, I have noticed that Singaporeans are both competitive and in a constant pursuit to improve their daily lives, whether economically or in some other sphere.

In this challenging environment, it is natural that one loses perspective of the overall big picture, which is that Singapore, a country of about 700 sq km, has come a long way from a backwater trading post to establishing itself as arguably the financial and technological hub of Asia.

Perhaps Singaporeans should be prouder of their country. Cab drivers complain about everything and university graduates I come across talk of saving up and moving to Spain or Italy.

Perhaps it is time citizens took a step back from the frantic demands of everyday life to reflect a little on what their country has to offer – a safe, ecologically aware and technologically advanced metropolis with excellent public transport and infrastructure, a thriving arts scene and a welcoming multicultural local population.

If foreigners from all over the world can see this and are coming to Singapore, why can’t Singaporeans?

Sam Ahmed

Mr Ahmed, if that is indeed your real name, you are absolutely, 100% right. Why shouldn’t we be proud? Why shouldn’t we be glad that we have no freedom of press or speech? Why shouldn’t we rejoice that our country’s leaders are earning millions to lose billions of our money? Why shouldn’t we jump for joy that tossers like you get to come to our country and praise us for our economic stability while overlooking the lives of the citizens? You have opened my eyes, Sam.

For a new PR, you are quite the wise guy. Your “observations” are horrendously distorted. Your views are… for lack of a better term, imbecilic. You have practically zero knowledge of this country’s history, and yet you attempt to make it seem like you understand us well enough to tell us what we should be thankful for. You are a mercenary, Sam. One who embraces any country that provides for him wealth and stability.

I feel sad for you, Sam, for it is YOU who do not see the bigger picture. Or any picture at all, for that matter. You, are seriously pissing me off.

December 28, 2009

Of Shame

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:16 am

Ris Low has been having the time of her life, apparently. According to the former beauty queen, she is having the last laugh because her critics made her popular. Good for you Ris. Nevermind that you’re being ridiculed by people all over Asia, and possibly the world. Nevermind that you shamed a pageant and everyone involved in it. Nevermind that you humiliated yourself and your family. You’re popular and famous and that’s all that matters! You’re the boomz, Ris.

In a case paralleling that of Yong Vui Kong’s, Briton Akmal Shaikh will be executed via firing squad tomorrow morning for smuggling 4 kg of heroin. Akmal is said to be mentally disturbed, and has bipolar disorder.

Again, I question the intelligence and rationality of those making that decision. But I am keeping count in an attempt to find out just how many people we have to kill to stop the drug market. So far, it doesn’t look very good but hey, keep on keeping on. Or better yet, lay a ton of cocaine and heroin on a deserted island, along with a couple hundred million dollars in cash, and lure all the drug lords and their lackeys there. Once they arrive, nuke it. The classic mouse-trap maneuver. Solves all your drug woes.

Finally, ND Tiwari, governor of Andhra Pradesh, has resigned after the local television station broadcasted pictures of him in bed with not one, not two, but three women. He’s 84 years old.

We should be ashamed of ourselves. Some of us haven’t even had our Christmas shag yet, and this old fart has a foursome. Perhaps he used some sort of state-of-the-art device with the ability to hypnotize and entice women into sexual accord. After all. Andhra Pradesh is one of the most high-tech states in India. Who knows what they’re hiding.

December 24, 2009

Of Christmas Cheer

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:12 am

Miss Ding Ting, former Singaporean, now English citizen, has written an exceptional piece on the Temasek Review about “Asian Values” being the general excuse for Singapore not practicing democracy. Wait scratch that, we DO practice democracy. We practice “closed” democracy. Now that’s worth cheering for.

Correct me if I’m mistaken, but isn’t democracy often associated with being “open”? Isn’t the word “liberal” in “liberal democracy” really just a redundant adjective? But hey, who am I, or rather, who are we to disagree with the almighty, all-knowing Law Minister?

If Mr Shanmugam says that “liberal democracy leads to lower quality of life and slower development”, who are we to disagree?

If Mr Shanmugam says “only the PAP can deliver good governance”, who are we to say no?

After all, compared to him, we’re just uneducated, untalented apes earning barely one eighth of his salary.

I just realised that Mr. Shanmugam has provided most of the good material this year. Cheers Sir. You have more or less been my muse for 2009. Here’s hoping you continuing carrying that baton for years to come. Good times.

December 23, 2009

Of Dropping Bombs

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:33 am

In an attempt to appease its angsty population, a school feel hike for non-citizens has been announced. The fees will threefold by the year 2011, leading to the president of the Tianfu Club, a networking club for Chinese immigrants(networking CLUB???) making this comment:

“Of course, the Government will take care of its citizens first.”

Oh my. You see that? I knew it. They love us. They really do care. I never doubted you PAPa, not even for a second. All of you who persistently doubt their adoration for us citizens, think again. They raised foreigners’ school fees! That means they pay more, which means we pay less, which  means we’re more important than them!

It also means they get more money, which means they’ll use it to improve the lives of us citizens! Maybe a pay raise for our hardworking  ministers! Maybe higher barriers for MRT stations! Maybe A VEZ(Very EZ) Link card that now requires us to top up our cards as soon as its value approaches $10. Oh the limitless possibilities.

In international news, Iran wants the US to stop messing with them. Never mind that they’re slowly enriching more and more atomic bomb quality uranium. Never mind that they’re illegally importing arms from North Korea. Never mind that everytime Ahmad speaks, it sounds like he’s making threats. As he said, “if Iran wanted to make a bomb, we would be brave enough to tell you”.

As the deadline draws closer, one can’t help but wonder, what would the UN do? Sanctions? More sanctions? EVEN more sanctions? Tougher sanctions? Extremely tough sanctions? Mind-blowing sanctions? Mind-blowing sanctions, that’s the one. That will make Iran cave. Be sure to make it really mind-blowing though. It has to be mind-blowing enough to intimidate them, but not too mind-blowing that they’d be so petrified they’d hurry production up in an attempt to defend themselves. Just the right amount of mind-blowing-ness should do the trick.

December 21, 2009

Of Complete Lack Of Thinking Ability

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:11 am

First, an update on the Alex Tan vs YPAP saga. Mr Sear Hock Rong, who is being lambasted by netizens over a potential conflict of interest between his job with R2E Concepts and his Grassroots work with Eunos, has AGAIN allowed fellow YPAP member Edgar Khieu to answer questions on his behalf.

This time, Mr Sear “Talk Without Thinking” Hock Rong has pissed off the moderator of online forum 3in1kopitiam by accusing regular forum visitors of being terrorists. If that isn’t talking without thinking, I don’t know what is. That’s, what, second strike now? First a dirty cheap shot on Alex by using his NS records, followed by an extremely public(and pathetic) attempt to gain sympathy from the public(I count those as one strike because of the overwhelming lack of substance), then a needless accusation.

I can’t wait to see what Sear comes up with next. Though the likelihood of him ever speaking again is very very low. He’ll probably have Edgar Khieu by his side everywhere he goes now, so he doesn’t ever have to open his mouth and say something stupid. Or he could carry around pre-written flash cards to express himself.

In other news, China fights back! The Land of the Orient, who is apparently sick of all it’s talent defecting to China Version 2, launched a job fair here in an attempt to lure them back home. My question is, do they know who they’re dealing with? This is our forte! We invented the whole “luring talent” idea, we perfected the technique and they want to do battle with us?

Finally, a Ferrari crashed early Saturday morning. The driver, one Mr Lim Chai Meng, is unhurt, save the scratches on his forehead and arms. Hmmm, Saturday morning? Ferrari? Crash? Sounds like somebody’s been out partying. Apparently, Ferrari distributors Komoco Holdings were contacted to comment on the Ferrari’s safety features.

Ferrari, you should be ashamed of yourselves. It is YOUR responsibility to ensure the safety of wankers who drive home after a full night of partying. In fact, you should install a complete auto-pilot feature to ensure that these people get home safe without having to touch the steering wheel. After all, their trust-funds should be enough to pay for an additional feature.

December 18, 2009

Of Litterbugs, Adopted Talent And Soft-Apple.

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:04 am

Killer litter issues have provided further proof that we Singaporeans are the best educated people in South East Asia (Quote from LKY). 26 year old Carol Ng wants a “litter guard” to be appointed for every block. Her logic is that people will think twice about what they’re doing if they know someone’s watching them.

My question is, Miss Tan, do you not think that anyone who considers hurling killer litter down their block will not have considered the possibility that someone will be looking out their window? They’re not THAT dumb. They just do it anyway. A watchdog will only add to the thrill of hearing whatever junk they throw smash into bits.

If you thought that was bad, 36 year old Mr Chong Yi Teng wants all killer litter offenders to housed in certain blocks of flats, essentially isolating them from the general population and allotting them the freedom to have a killer litter party. That’s right, discrimination is the key. Not education, not counselling, not fines. Putting them in a certain area so that we know to avoid it, that’s genius. Imagine if we had to move them because of space constraint. Our very own District 6!

Good news for local sports fans, the queen of shot put is Singaporean… Via the Foreign Sports Talent scheme. “China-born” Zhang Guirong clinched victory at the SEA games. Nice attempt at polishing it up CNA. But hey, they bring us medals every year. It’s ingenious because the only other option, besides importing foreign talent to win us medals, involves bribery and direct purchase of medals, and is apparently very frowned upon.

Finally, Apple whores may be in for a huge surprise. The first signs that Microsoft and Apple may be joining hands in the war against Google are out with Microsoft’s Bing introduced as an iPhone application. I would love to see the look on fanatical, “I use a Mac and that makes me awesome”, Mac users’ faces if and when the partnership further strengthens and Macs begin operating with Windows. Imagine the uproar.

December 17, 2009

The Absurdity

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:13 am

Mr Shanmugam is at it again. This time, he is calling for the ruling party to “provide greater political education for Singaporeans, students in particular”.

This is what’s known as “Hanging the Carrot”. What you do is you attach a carrot to the end of a fishing rod, then suspend it in front of a mule so that he begins to chase it, thus dragging the carriage along. The carrot, in this case, being the request for greater political education. That’s right, we’re the ass.

It’s a good one too. If we believe this carrot to not be unattainable, we’ll  keep running and running until finally we bring the master where he wants to go. Sure Mr Law Minister, educate our students. Teach them about politics, just like how we are taught Singapore’s history, without elements of David Marshall, Operation Coldstore etc. Teach them that our ministers need an annual salary of 3 millions dollars so that they can go to Zoukout. Tell them that all this is necessary because they are not, and never will be, “smart” enough to run the country, that is until they pledge allegiance to the ruling party.

In other news, potential copywriters/advertising executives, sear the name Imadgination Pte Ltd(47A Kampong Bahru Road) into your memories. A 25 year old woman has claimed to be molested by the “boss” of the company, one Lim Pong Heng. 36 year old  Lim pulled her close and kissed her, and also bragged about the size of his junk and his wealth of sexual experience.

This lady must’ve been one hell of a looker to have incited such a response. No sane human being would do something like that without first weighing the odds of being sued/slapped/beaten up by hired guns. Unless A, the man is beyond imbecilic. Or B, she’s so attractive that she exudes an electro-magnetic pulse which quickly disables the rational part of any man’s brain.

And finally, Happy International Migrant’s Day to all migrant workers! We celebrate your being here, and acknowledge that life would be miserable without you coming in here and making up more than 36% of our workforce. I can’t bear to imagine a scenario where there are less of you and more of us. That would be blasphemous!

December 15, 2009

The Challenge

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:31 am

Alex Tan has sensationally challenged members of the YPAP to a public debate at the Speakers’ Corner.

The Boys In White vs Alex Tan. That would be something wouldn’t it. The potential future leaders of Singapore (by default, of course) going head to head with Alex Tan. If you’re asking yourself  “Who in the blue hell is Alex Tan?”, don’t worry. I did too. Refer to the Temasek Review for all details regarding the case.

Am I worried that Alex will lose? Nope. But that’s only because there is no way the Boys will take up the challenge. Why? Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that if the ruling party detects even the slightest chance of them losing, be it a competition or face, they will back off. They just can’t take losing. Its not a bad trait, too. Its when that fear of failure drives you to the brink of insanity that you have to be wary.

In other news, surprise surprise. Expats have named Singapore the 4th most lively country. First of all, I think we’re all forgetting something. We’re a country again?

Be proud Singaporeans, we’re Number 4! But no, we shouldn’t stop there. Please expats, if there is anything we can do for you to make your life here more pleasant, let us know. Anything. Have more wine bars? Bring WWE to Singapore? Genetically engineer more SPGs? Just send an email to the goverment, and they’ll make it a reality. Don’t worry about costs, convenience for the locals, or anything like that. We’re aiming for the top spot.

Finally, nine ladies went “nude” on Orchard Road last Sunday. Nude with quotation marks. Things are almost ALWAYS better without quotation marks. Skin tight outfits don’t make you nude. They make you a tease. And not the good kind too.

Next Page »

Create a free website or blog at