January 15, 2010

Of Fighting Wars

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:46 am

Today’s funniest story: KL has denied backing muslim protests. Apparently, the Malaysian government never endorsed the protests. I wonder then, what’s this all about? It’s especially funny if you open both articles in one browser but on separate tabs, and just switch between them, maintaining focus on the title. Talk about contradiction.

The “Allah” debacle does not seem to be slowing down. A tenth religious building has been vandalised, this time with red paint. Nice touch. The classic “Old School Ah Long” style. May I suggest a pig’s head next? No wait that would be insensitive to their religious beliefs. Maybe they could use a cow’s head again.

In local news, a 21-year-old Sri Lankan national has been found guilty of killing a pregnant prostitute. Before I go on…

There’s no way he’s 21. Anyway, Madhuri Jaya Chandra Reddy received a 17 year jail term and 12 strokes of the cane. Do the math. One man murders a prostitute and her foetus and receives 17 years in jail while a young drug trafficker carrying 43 g of heroin is sentenced to death? 2 confirmed deaths as opposed to what can only be described as “potential harm”? It’s the Collatz Conjecture all over again.

Tensions between Iran and the United States are at an all time high after an Iranian nuclear scientist was killed in a bombing outside his home. Mr Ahmadinejad has, of course, taken the opportunity to stoke the flames by claiming the method of killing to be “Zionist”. Isn’t that a little too obvious, Ahmad? That’s like the Chinese saying “This dog tastes bad! It must’ve been stewed by those Google bastards!”

And finally, our favourite former pageant queen has settled for endorsing condoms. Ris Low claims to be convinced that youths should abstain from sex. Since it is an almost impossible task, she has decided to promote safe sex. I have just one request. Ris, please do NOT put your face on the box. I don’t want your intense glare to melt my ice caps,  if you know what i mean. Then again I don’t think I’ll ever consider using Espire Condoms. What if they… Expire?

Zander Asia, distributors of Espire condoms, claim to have approached Ris because they believe she can reach out to youths. Well that part’s true i guess. Birds of a feather flock together no? So hurry on up before they boomz all over each other.

January 14, 2010

Of Weird Revelations

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:43 am

Move aside Christians. The Sikhs are the new targets. A Sikh Temple was stoned yesterday by “mischievous children”. Strange. When did Malaysians start being addressed as “mischievous children”?

If you’re going to do this, might as well go all the way. I would like to see all other religious buildings in Malaysia get stoned/fire-bombed. It’s only fair isn’t it. Since the government clearly isn’t doing anything about it, might as well run amok. In fact, I propose that individuals vandalise their own respective religious building.

Think about it. Whatever happens to any religious building in Malaysia at the moment will automatically be classified as vandalism by Muslims, which means… No charge! So, mad because your church leader guilt-tripped you into giving extra tithes? Pissed off because your Granthi accidently stepped on your new shoes? Annoyed because your monk is so much more zen than you are? Now’s your chance to let the cat out of the bag and not be held responsible for it!

In other news, China takes the word “anal” to a new level, or completely disallows it depending on your interpretation of the word. No sending of pornographic material via phone or you could be banned for texting. Their tough online policy apparently a key element of “state security”. Yeah, you really don’t want Lexi Belle jumping out of your computer screen threatening to bomb the “Bird’s Nest” with the C4 lodged in her anus. Message received, Beijing.

Finally, huge revelation for private ‘O’-Level candidates in Singapore. Apparently, ‘O’-Level candidates in prison get better grades than you. Now, depending if you’re a glass half full or glass half empty kind of person, your options are to either:

a) Give it up because you are officially worthless
b) Commit a crime and take your ‘O’-Levels in prison.

January 13, 2010

Of Solutions

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:26 am

60 minutes into the job and Sarah Palin has yet again provided some serious comical material. According to her, lies have been told about her by John McCain’s campaign aides. Lies such as her not knowing why North and South Korea are separate nations. Now, let’s all be frank here. Does that not sound like classic Palin to you? Remember that this is a woman who despite being a vice-presidential candidate in the elections two years ago, could not name a single newspaper or magazine she reads. Sorry Sarah, but even the “Department of Law” would find in my favour.

Moving on, Google is threatening to remove themselves from China after attacks on human rights activists email accounts. Amnesty International has applauded the move and encouraged other companies to follow suit. Personally, I’d like to see how that works out. Maybe the Chinese could switch to Alta Vista.

At last, a solution to high cost of living around the world. Singaporeans may want to pay attention to this. As we all know, HDB prices are at an all time high. So are utilies, transport fees, food prices etc.

Want to live in comfort and yet spend much much less than you are now? Go to Indonesia and commit a crime! Check this cell out. Doesn’t that look fantastic? Only 64-square-metres but complete with air-conditioning, flat screen TV, private kitchen, bathroom and double-bed!

What in the blue hell would a prisoner need a double bed for? More space so they can have company over? Former businesswoman Artalyta Suryani was apparently in the middle of laser beauty treatment when an inspection of the cells was being carried out. Laser beauty treatment. Boy those Indonesians sure have it good.

Finally, the Hong Kong High Court leads by example by sentencing three drug traffickers to long prison terms instead of death. The three Filipino women were carrying more than 10 times the amount of heroin that would mandate the death penalty in both Singapore and China, plus some cocaine. Under Hong Kong law, drug traffickers face a maximum sentence of life imprisonment and a fine of up to HK$5,000,000, approximately US$650,000.

I applaud Hong Kong for their stance against the mandatory death penalty. China and Mini-China have a lot to learn.

January 12, 2010

Of Funny Moments

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:35 am

Sarah Palin has linked up with Fox News, joining names such as Bill O’Reily and Sean Hannity as a commentator on the right-wing tilted network. Her first words?

“It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.”

That’s the kind of material that has endeared her to us all. The sort that’s just completely untrue but spoken with such conviction it almost implies genuine belief. It’s like the elections all over again. Bravo.

Sick of your spouse? Don’t worry, your marriage may expire in ten years. A women’s party-list group in the Philippines has proposed a 10-year expiry on marriage in an attempt to strengthen it. Amazing. Now I know about the whole sacred covenant, staying together forever thing. But come on. That right there, that’s a Nobel Prize-winning idea.

Apparently, the idea was borne out of a desire to cease the ever-increasing marriage-annulments in the country. That sounds fair enough. To stop official marriage annulments, create a scheme that basically allows unofficial annulments but only after a certain period of time. Then call it something else. Fantastic. Watch and learn boys. That is how you dominate the Southeast Asia section of Google News.

January 11, 2010

Of Huge Waste Of Gas, Money And Time

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:22 am

Malaysians are still hurling molotov cocktails at churches  One would assume that with gas prices at an all time high, they’d think twice about wasting all that petrol. I suppose god/allah will provide. What’s surprising to me is how seemingly incompetent the malaysian police force seem to be. Churches have been attacked since last week and not one arrest has been made. Again, I suppose god/allah will do something about it. The only thing that could make this story more interesting is if a muslim converted publicly. Imagine the chaos.

In local news, start waving goodbye to Yusof Ishak, Singaporeans. LKY-headed GIC is on the verge of losing another S$1 billion of taxpayer’s money. Though it should come as no surprise to anyone. Us Singaporeans should be used to losing money by now, especially via GIC and Temasek Holdings. That’s S$60 billion lost in slightly more than a year. Even when we aren’t gambling, we’re losing money. Might as well, eh? Turf City here I come!

Finally, my favourite story of the day, say hello to robowhore. Roxxxy the robo-prossy, developed by a company based in New Jersey (why am I not surprised?), is capable of vocal response to touch, thanks to sensitive touch sensors at strategic locations. No prizes for guessing where.

Apparently besides providing sexual pleasure, Roxxxy is capable of carrying out simple conversations. According to the founder of that particular New Jersey company, “The real aim is to make the doll someone the owner can talk to and relate to.”

Oh wow that’s exactly what men need. Conversation after sex with a robot. That makes it much less creepy. By the way Americans, robots don’t “relate” to anything. You can watch “Bicentennial Man” as many times as you like, doesn’t make it real.

January 8, 2010

Of Manipulation

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 10:43 am

Well looks like I was wrong after all. Malaysians confirm that they DO care about the Allah issue by responding in the most positive way possible: fire-bombing a church.

At this point, I am… shell-shocked. Stunned. To the point, words fail me. I wonder which reaction would be appropriate: hailing the Malaysian government for yet another successful manipulation of their people’s minds? Or lambasting the Malaysians for being morons? Well, I don’t see why I can’t do both.

Malaysians. For crying out loud. At least put up more of a fight. The government releases a few statements and allows peaceful protests, and presto! Full scale religious riots. Is it not possible for at least one, just one of you to stand up and initiate a dialogue? Or are your minds so under-developed that you fail to understand the concept of rationality? Perhaps you feel threatened and insecure that your country may one day end up not reflecting YOUR personal religious views? It astounds me how incredibly ignorant you lot are.

I have to give due credit to the Malaysian government. Manipulation is the name of the game. Don’t get too cocky though. My country’s leaders are still the masters of that game. Compared to them, you’re mere padawans.

January 7, 2010

Of Strange Decisions

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:03 am

Malaysia, Malaysia. Really, what’s the big deal? The High Court is re-thinking its decision to allow the Catholic Church to use the A-word in its newspaper. According to Attorney-General Abdul Gani Patail, it is a “matter of national interest”. I’m not sure the nation is really that interested actually. But let’s say they are. Would they be annoyed at an atheist’s use of the sentence “I gave the wallah some challah“? Or is it the specific annunciation of the word “Allah” by someone of a different faith that annoys them? Would use of the sentence be considered undermining national security, or does it have to be something with Allah in it?

Never mind that it is within the Herald’s constitutional rights to use the word. What matters is that UMNO manages to distract everyone else from what really matters and lead them to focus on a completely irrelevant and unimportant issue. Good idea. Allow more peaceful protests. That’ll help.

In other news, civil rights group “Action On Rights For Children” are concerned that body scanners, introduced after a failed detonation by “exploding underpants man“, would somehow end up manufacturing kiddy porn. So in order to be as fair as possible, how about distributing forms that allow the child to select one of two screening processes.

For your child’s screening process, would you prefer:

a) Someone to take his/her clothes off touch him/her all over (Strip Search)

b) Someone to take  naughty pictures of him/her (Body Scanner)

c) No screening required (No Thank You)

That way, parents/civil rights groups uncomfortable with having images of their children taken can instead opt for them to be felt up. If that doesn’t work either, they can always choose not to have their kids screened. Of course, that would mean “exploding diaper kids” might be the next terrorist weapon.

Elsewhere, Sarah Hanson-Young’s article on ABC’s website deserves special mention for several reasons. “Racism does exist in Australia”, despite the Captain Obvious ispired title, is an honest and passionate piece which encourages one to start thinking. Sarah believes that the Australian government must start recognizing that racism is a problem in Australia, instead of dodging the issue. The is no shame in admitting that a portion of your citizens are racist. Tat ratio exists in practically every country in the world. The real shame is when you refuse to see the obvious. Well done Miss Hanson-Young.

Finally, if you haven’t already sign the petition for immediate action to be taken against Romanian diplomat Silviu Ionescu, please do so here. However, if you, like certain people governing a certain island, believe that diplomats and rich, fat, balding wankers are above the law, please ignore my request. Cheers.

January 4, 2010

Of Things Going Wrong

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:13 am

Sometimes when things start to go wrong, they never seem to stop. Like a snowball tumbling down a hill in winter, the YPAP are gathering so much momentum, it seems almost impossible to stop them.

This time, the joker’s name is Mr. Eric How. Eric makes a whole series of claims, beginning with how “karma” is responsible for citizens who aren’t doing so well. Then, he goes on to brag about how his parents have done the right thing, including buying him and his siblings their own personal vehicle before condescendingly asking readers to “buck up”.

Eric makes an excellent point. We, the common folks, the “lesser mortals“, should not be nagging excessively because we don’t have rich parents to buy us stuff. We should be happy actually, that wankers like Eric get to drive their car around, have some fun, and then make their parents pay their credit card bills, road taxes, and top up their cash cards for them. Maybe even buy them a nice pair of knickers.

In fact, I’ve decided that i’m so happy for Eric, i’m going to do the right thing. So Eric, if you see this, leave me your contact so the next time your cashcard runs dry, the top up is on me. Just because you’ve been so special, and also to earn me some good karma.

In other news, two Malaysian MPs with differing views want each other to resign. Apparently one side doesnt think it’s okay for people of other beliefs to use the word Allah(oops i just used it) while the other think those views are narrow-minded.

I have a two questions. First, is it okay for me to say Challah? It does contain the forbidden word. But it would be tough for me to walk into a restaurant and order “white bread enriched with eggs, usually in a braided loaf, traditionally eaten by Jews on Friday evening at the Sabbath meal”.

Second, I do believe that Allah(oops there i go again) has 99 names. Does that mean I’m not allowed to use the sentence “Al-Aziz Computers: The Best Place To Buy Laptops, Desktops And Computer Accessories“?

Finally, the United States’ Transportation Security Administration have come up with a list of 14 countries most likely to contain terrorists… I mean 14 countries considered to be “high-risk”. Surprise surprise, Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Cuba and Iran are all on the list.

The strategy, containing evident racial classification and stereotyping, means enhanced screening for passengers “flying from or through state sponsors of terrorism or other countries of interest”. Very smart boys. You’ve figured out that terrorism and disdain for the United States only exists in those 14 countries. After all, the rest of the world loves you to death, no?

Maybe they just don’t have enough funds to conduct enhanced screenings on everyone. Hmmm. In that case, allow me to introduce you to Mr Eric How. Eric, US. US, Eric. He apparently has rich folks. Would probably send some dough over if you promise to welcome him with open arms and about twenty Vegas dancers. Problem solved.

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