ambiguity

May 5, 2010

Filed under: Miscellanous — theinkhorn @ 8:48 pm

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice… That suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that there is nothing in the world to which every man has a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.     – Arthur Schopenhauer

There are few things more heart wrenching than the demise of a young, talented individual. A year or two ago, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. I probably would’ve shrugged it off, went home, had a fag and a beer, went to sleep and did it all over again the next day, without even the slightest consideration that the possibility of tomorrow never arriving stood real and tall. Today, I find myself riddled with sympathy, shame, and most surprising of all, sorrow.

I did not know this young lady, and perhaps I never would have. I did not share any memories with her, I certainly did not hit on her (I’m pretty sure), I was not aware of her existence. I did not change her diapers, I did not make her meals, I did not send her to school, I did not have any conversations with her, I did not think about her… None of that. But I don’t need any of it. No biological bond, no relationship, indeed, no logical reason to feel anything. But this, and this will probably be the only time you’ll ever hear me say this, this is the one occasion where logic is redundant.

We grow up believing ourselves to be invincible. We hurl our inhibitions out the window with a simple “meh” and tell ourselves that we’re living, that we’re learning to live. All that matters to us in the present, is that we don’t regret in the future. All we think about when we close our eyes and prepare for R.E.M is what to do tomorrow. But what if tomorrow never arrives? Would you still dream? Say we wake up the next morning then. It doesn’t quite matter does it? That possibility of not opening our eyes never materializes, and we live to fight another day. We live another day.

If we are to the universe the equivalent of an electron to a blue whale, why then do we feel that sort of invincibility? Why then do we experience delusions of immortality? Why then do we always convince ourselves that it is not right for a beautiful young individual with all the potential and all the opportunity in the world to lose the fight? The unfortunate truth is that it isn’t right, but the universe knows no right or wrong. No correct or incorrect. No benevolence or malevolence. When it comes down to us against the world, against time and the tides, against the monstrosity we call life, we submit, because we know, or we believe, that our control over life only extends so far.

Well what if you’re wrong? What if the extent of your power has been severely underestimated, incredibly miscalculated? What if you realise, one day, that every weed you trample on, every switch you flick, every cab you flag down, every coin you toss into a busker’s hat, every step you ever take, what if all of them count. What if all of them ultimately decide where you end up? What if something as simple and trivial as a butterfly flapping its wings could cause a tornado?

If there is anything you should take from this, it is not that Melissa is frolicking about somewhere in a spiritual plain, smiling down at you from above. It is not that she made a mistake exercising her control over life, her life. It is not that she would want you to be happy. No. If there is anything you should learn from this, if there is anything you should take from this, it should be the realization, the cognition, and ultimately, the acceptance of the power you possess. It should be the willingness to accept your own mortality, your own vulnerability, and take control. If even one of you summons up the courage, Melissa’s passing would not have been in vain. If your intentions are to honour her memory, and if those intentions are fueled with nothing but love and adoration, then start exercising that control.

While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.     – Leonardo Da Vinci


For her friends, family, acquaintances and indeed Melissa herself. To you finding in each other the greatest comfort. Readers may offer their condolences here.

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8 Comments »

  1. [quote]
    I did not know this young lady, and perhaps I never would have. I did not share any memories with her, I certainly did not hit on her (I’m pretty sure), I was not aware of her existence. I did not change her diapers, I did not make her meals, I did not send her to school, I did not have any conversations with her, I did not think about her… None of that. But I don’t need any of it. No biological bond, no relationship, indeed, no logical reason to feel anything. But this, and this will probably be the only time you’ll ever hear me say this, this is the one occasion where logic is redundant.
    [/quote]

    why not just say that you don’t know her personally?
    all these text massing up into a wall of redundant text which could be summarize into one sentence.

    and you wouldn’t even have post this entry have you not notice her beauty, admit it. you probably fantasized about her in heaven, riding on unicorns.

    you could have spent the time of penning your thoughts with your living loved ones instead of pondering and dwelling about someone’s death whom you have no relations to.

    Comment by Chow Jun Liang — May 5, 2010 @ 11:09 pm

  2. I’m going to state, first of all, that I approved this comment over the others simply because it is a world of difference from the others, which really are all kinds of ignorant. I am also going to state, for the record, that I know about the thread on hardwarezone, and it didn’t come from me.

    Now, firstly Chow, I’ll take your advice on shortening my sentences if you can tell me how much your company pays you to do editing. But if you’re not getting more than me, then I suggest you let me(professional editor) construct my own sentences. I know, its a cheap shot, but hey, people have to learn don’t they?

    Second, I will admit to having noticed her physical attributes. In fact, I describe her as “beautiful” in the post. I do, however, take offense at the latter part of that sentence. I neither believe in god, nor unicorns, but I don’t discriminate. Whatever your beliefs are, I tolerate them. Also, I find it highly disturbing that you would even mention fantasizing about someone who’s passed on. Again, no prejudice. Fairy tales, necrophilia, whatever makes you happy.

    Finally, I can tell you that I don’t remember feeling more love for my family and friends than I did while I was typing those words. I cannot imagine how Melissa’s parents must’ve felt as the machine slowly carried their daughter’s coffin into the furnace, but while I was writing this, I knew I never wanted my parents to ever be in a similar position.

    I did not “ponder and dwell” over a stranger’s death. If anything, I “pondered and dwelled” over death itself. I’m sorry you didn’t get that, but then again we don’t exactly have the best English and Literature syllabus here do we?

    I hope this clears things up, not just with you but with the other homo habilis. I welcome comments, just not ones that don’t make sense.

    Comment by theinkhorn — May 5, 2010 @ 11:50 pm

  3. This Mr. Chow, seems a typical Singapore, self righteous and unappreciative. Just ignore him.

    Comment by Old fart — May 6, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

  4. i seriously feel that the comment by Chow Jun Liang is totally redundant. if you dislike or disapprove what one has to say, you may voice but in a sensible manner. BECAUSE this is simply what people feel and you have no rights to comment if he should or should not, right or not right. He chooses to think, is his choice. Why not you take it this way, you shouldn’t even be commenting and instead, doing something more productive?

    Comment by juin — May 7, 2010 @ 12:04 am

  5. i’ve never read something so heartfelt for such a long time. thank you.

    Comment by EJ MISSY — May 7, 2010 @ 3:33 am

  6. Old fart & juin:

    It’s alright. Chow is a stellar example of what we should eradicate in this country; apathetic, self-important and lacking in mental flexibility. But at least he had the decency to try and engage me. Wasn’t a very good attempt though. juin, you get it right when you say “He chooses to think…” We should all “choose to think”, shouldn’t we? The ability to consider, to think, to reminisce, to philosophize, are these not what set us apart from beasts?

    EJ MISSY:

    My pleasure.

    Comment by theinkhorn — May 7, 2010 @ 12:41 pm

  7. I do not get it at all. If you are reading someone’s personal blog, and you aren’t comfortable with what they blog about or even they way they go about doing it, then just close the window. Why bother reading all the way to the end, only criticise excessively (and pathetically too might I add)?

    aside to chow: there seriously isn’t anything too fantastic about the way you write. Perhaps you ought to scale back on your time spent on reading blogs, and invest in a writing/ english course. You might like to grow a brain and some compassion in the meantime too. It helps.

    Comment by su — May 7, 2010 @ 3:56 pm

  8. the power of choice and how we use it, is what differentiates us. so true.

    Comment by EJ MISSY — May 9, 2010 @ 1:05 am


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