June 28, 2010

New Rules SG #2

Filed under: New Rules — theinkhorn @ 12:16 pm

New Rule: If we are going to spend $126 million on 1.5m  high MRT screen doors, SMRT needs to teach their drivers how to park. There’s a rule of thumb I think you should follow. It’s called “look out the door”.

New Rule: Kasandra Kong, published author of the book “This Is My Story”, must stop assuming that all women are as stupid as she is. Hey Marilyn vos Savant, if I want to read a poorly written book about the exploits of an egotistical, arrogant moron, I’d buy “A Charge To Keep”. Just because you didn’t have the good sense to guard yourself doesn’t give you the right to assume the same of everyone else. Remember, you’re Kasandra with a K. Your parents never gave you a chance.

New Rule: Muslims have to stop pretending that Sharia law is actual law. There’s a reason Sharia courts don’t employ lawyers; lawyers only practise REAL law. Jarkarta based hard-line muslim groups don’t seem to understand that their faux legislations don’t apply to everyone else. Abdul Rouf, head of the Bekasi branch of Muhammadiyah, has gone as far as to accuse the christians of going too far. Yeah, and the pot said to the kettle “hey homie, kool-aid?”

New Rule: England must change its national anthem to “God Save the Team”.

And finally… New Rule: The Belgium police must give lessons on enhancing testicular fortitude to their global counterparts, especially the US. Raids were conducted on a building where Catholic bishops were discussing key issues, including the child sex abuse scandals. Important documents were also seized as the bishops were kept incommunicado for nine hours. The Pope, along with lackey Cardinal Bertone, criticised the entire episode, with Bertone describing it as worse than the old communist regimes. Yeah, but it better be. There’s no way around it; catholic priests have been getting away with sexual abuse for too long. But you know what this tells me. This says that Bertone doesn’t take this seriously. This says that any catholic figure of authority who criticises any sort of investigation on them doesn’t take the crime of sexually abusing a young child seriously. This tells me, that the Pope himself doesn’t think it’s that big a deal.

If there is any chance at all, and there is a huge pile-up by now, that more children were sexually abused in the hands of the Catholic church, then stricter investigations must be conducted. Raids must be conducted. Interrogations, detentions, the works. The Catholic church lost its right to complain about unfair treatment the minute the Lawrence Murphy cover-up made the news. Police departments around the world must take a page out of the Belgians’ book. Even if it means substituting waffles for donuts.

June 24, 2010

New Rules SG #1

Filed under: New Rules — theinkhorn @ 2:49 pm

I hate to rip-off Bill Maher, but I think he is the top socio-political commentator today, and I think his methods, however crude, are effective in getting his message across. Which is why I will be mirroring one of his segments, starting today.

New Rule: The YOG theme song and video must be scrapped and buried, and never spoken about again. The songwriting masterclass that is “oh yeah” repeated over and over again, accompanied by cheesy hand gestures and ridiculously fake smiles is possibly the most annoying thing on the air, following “90210” and “Accidently On Purpose”.

New Rule: Aussie guys, who so often boast subtly about how macho they are, must now beat up Kevin Rudd to restore their dignity. Rudd gave an emotional farewell speech where he choked up at several points, undermining the Aussie manhood. And here’s the cracker: He’s being replaced by a chick!

New Rule: Portugal must offer the North Korean football squad refuge after potentially triggering a death sentence clause in their contract. You know what, additional New Rule: Portugal must cater to the North Korean’s living and eating habits, even if it means serving up grilled Pomeranian, Portugese style.

New Rule: If we’re going to experience political change, if we’re going to finally have a new government after 50 years, if we’re determined to make all that happen, politicians have to stop their bullshit and focus on the task at hand.

The Online Citizen reported today that former RP Chairman Ng Teck Siong has confirmed his registration of a new political party. Chia Ti Lik is reported to be co-founding the new party, which will be named the Socialist Front. Which, surprise surprise, translates into Barisan Sosialis.

Great, just what we need. Another party. The problem with our politicians is they don’t seem to understand the order of things. First you bake the cake, then you decide what colour icing you want on it. What we need now isn’t diversity. It isn’t options. It is unity.

Don’t get me wrong. I like plurality as much as the next guy. Let’s see. We have the SDA, SDP, NSP, WP, RP, USD… and those are just the active ones. And then of course, there’s Big Brother. Really, what are we trying to accomplish here? Our politicians need to get their head out of their asses and see that there is no way, absolutely no way, any of them will win an election on their own. Plant the seed, water it, let it grow, then decide how you want to kill each other over the fucking fruit will you?

June 21, 2010

One Child Too Many

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:31 am

I step into the classroom and sitting there, as still as a corpse, is a skinny, munchkin-sized boy whose ridiculously pale face says he really doesn’t want to be here. That makes two of us, my subconscious mutters as I brace myself.

“You’re from China, yes?”

He nods.

“Which part?”

“… Wenzhou.”

My neurons race as I CTRL + F my brain for Wenzhou. Bam, highlighted.

“That’s in Zhejiang, yes?”

A microexpression of surprise flashes across his face before he nods and lets out a tiny smile. I’ve hit the right button. We proceed to converse for a bit. An intelligent lad for seven years of age. Sensible. Way too sensible. Alarms bells begin to pulse in my head. Something’s up.

“Pssst. I tell you secret, okay?” He whispers. “But you cannot tell anyone.”

“Okay, what is it?” I whisper back, knowing that it’s probably something stupid, like the colour of his socks.

“When we still in China, people come and try to catch me and my mother.” He says, with microexpressions of fear and sorrow showing in his eyes and mouth. Enough to convince me that he’s telling the truth.


“Because I have sister. And in China, you cannot have two children. So when they come, my mother take me and hide in the…” He struggles to find a word, and forms a triangular shape with his hands, the universal sign for “home”. I briefly consider telling him that the word he’s looking for is attic, but it would probably have distracted him from the story, so I nod to express understanding.

“Then she take me and my sister here.” He concludes the story with the folding of his arms.

Later on, I discover that his father was deported back to China, but not before impregnating his mother. Which leaves me to wonder how a pregnant woman with two kids and one to come would make enough money to send her daughter to IB and her son to tuition.

Regardless, she’s doing it. With a 8 month old foetus in her belly, she brings her boy to the centre every weekend, picks him up after that, sends him to art class, picks him up again, and brings him home, probably to a home-cooked meal she prepares in between her son’s classes. She cares enough to find out how her son performs. She knows her son well enough, and warns me of his hyperactivity, which I later discover to be very evident. And she manages all that in a foreign land she probably doesn’t know very much about, where she probably doesn’t have many friends, where sometimes, it’s a travesty to simply not be local.

Yes, our foreign policy is way too liberal and our government is exploiting that liberty in an attempt to remain in power. How much blame should fall on the government’s shoulders and how much on the immigrants’? Should we fault those who escape their shithole and enter ours in search of a slightly better life? Or should the ones who exploit them be held responsible?

June 13, 2010

The Evils Of Our Telcos

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 8:38 pm

The vuvuzelas blast in the background. The beautiful South African sky stands, mighty and gentle. The stadium erupts. Televisions around the world broadcast the exact, same images. The pitch, the players, the ball. Families are gathered, friendships are strengthened, club rivalries put aside. The magic of the World Cup, ever present. Except of course, on the island of Singapore.

The telcos have hung themselves with the ropes of their own greed. By demanding an exorbitant fee in exchange for screening the world cup, they have essentially declared it their property. The World Cup in Singapore officially belongs to the two telcos who either couldn’t negotiate a better price for screening rights or decided to pull a fast one on Singaporeans. People are not amused, and it is a wonder they haven’t begun damage control. Subscriptions are being terminated, services boycotted, and every night, profanities are sure to be directed at the people in charge. Still, no action.

It seems Starhub and Singtel have become complacent. I could scratch myself bald and still not understand their M.O. Is it really that important, SS, to lose 28,000 potential consumers just to earn that extra bit of cash? And are you really so certain that this will blow over, that you would neglect to start addressing consumers? And no, i don’t mean the whole 1 cup of coffee bullshit. I mean really having a conversation with people who are unhappy.

And as if hanging yourself wasn’t enough, you’ve decided to grab that shotgun in the corner and take out your foot. Feeds and signals have been encrypted, rendering them useless. Links that worked on the first day no longer do. SS, and now the moniker begins to seem rather apt, have decided that people who don’t get the world cup from them will not get it at all. Yet another outright declaration of ownership over the world cup.

But all this is mildly amusing to me. The amount of money it must take to carry out these operations. The amount of money you must be losing, and will eventually lose, from terminated subscriptions. It all makes me smile, not because I believe in karma but because it tells me that you’re afraid. It tells me that you’re desperate. It tells me that this is your last resort. The full wrath of those you have upset has not been felt. They are all preoccupied; you would be too if you were busy streaming games all night.

For your sake, SS, I hope you have a good internal PR department. You’ll need them when all this is done. But for now, continue to broadcast your lies via the mainstream media. Continue to delude yourself. The bigger they are, the bigger the crater formed by their fall. And the more Singaporean piss that crater will hold.

June 2, 2010

Surprise Fail: CHC Misuse Of Funds

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 12:30 pm

I cannot understand how people can react with such disbelief over allegations that CHC has been misusing church funds. I don’t think they understand the extent of its influence, and the power CHC has over their community. That, is the real stunner. Having said that, I find myself (pleasantly)surprised at a number of things.

1. I CANNOT BELIEVE… that they’re only in trouble now.

An organization, and note that I have left out the term “religious” because there should NOT be a double standard regarding the regulating of charitable organizations, that has the financial muscle to acquire a $300 million stake in Suntec City, should be probed. They should have been investigated a long time ago; the only surprise is that it hasn’t happened earlier.

2. I CANNOT BELIEVE… they’re not taxed.

WWJC? Why Would Jesus Care? “Thou shalt not present money to thy government, lest thy butt be smote.”

3. I CANNOT BELIEVE… she co-founded CHC.

Excuse my french, but I would hit that.

Then again…

Mmm. This might take a while.

4. I CANNOT BELIEVE… the devil is being blamed. Again.

Actually, I can. That’s pretty much how it works, really. Anything bad that happens to the church has to be the work of the devil. Surely. Who else? Huh, CHC guys? Who else could it be? Who else would have the power to lure your god-fearing, morally solid, caring pastors/administrators towards the pit of sin?

The church has perfected the art of shirking responsibility. Whenever they do good, it is because the love of god has moved them to do so, and the holy spirit has worked in their bodies, the temple. But whenever they make a booboo, it’s because the red man with a pitchfork somehow managed to circumvent the security system in that temple, and injected a dose of (insert one of 7 deadly sins here) into their pure hearts. And so they cry out with passion and genuine belief. “Purify us! Save us! Redeem us!”

Here’s what some CHC supporters had to say:

Andreas Lucius on May 31, 2010 at 7:17 pm

“Hahahaha! Right after Asia Conference, I am totally not surprised by what the devil is doing now.”

We all are not the judge on May 31, 2010 at 7:24 pm

“Well welll well.. Devil is working on it. Know what.. CHC too bigger and many artist was there. Pastor Kong and his wife are too famous,
so no choice.. peoples start to judge. ONE WORD ”JEALOUS”.

We all are nothing and IMPERFECTION. Who are u there to judge anything..??

Think about it and look at yourself before make the criticize.


I believe this is only a misunderstanding and somebody is trying to make trouble on the church :)


God will help CHC to proved to anyone who are make the judgement.”

Kennethism’s latest post will show you the tweets of some CHC members.

I can just imagine the devil sitting on a bar stool, beer in one hand, palm planted on face, uttering “oh bloody hell it’s always my fault.” Poor fella. Perhaps Snow White could give him a consolation blowjob. They don’t live very far apart.

The point is this: when religion enters the arena, rationality must be thrown out the window. The extent of their delusion must be well-documented, so that we have examples to employ when we decide to teach our future offspring about the perils of man and our creations. The arrogant certitude displayed by CHC members must never be forgotten, for it will eventually be the spark that lights the fuse of religious conflict.

It is not jealousy, CHC members. It is disdain, but it does not stem from jealousy or envy. It stems from annoyance at your idiocy, at your ridiculous assertions and your readiness to abandon all accountability. If only you could see yourselves.

June 1, 2010

Never Accept without Questioning

Filed under: Uncategorized — theinkhorn @ 11:40 am

Singaporean sports writers must be delusional.

Already deprived of independent opinion, stripped of their ability to distribute impartial information, a handful of them still refuse to acknowledge the fact that we are but a country of mercenaries.

Should we or should we not celebrate the Singapore women’s table tennis team’s victory over mighty China? Should we or should we not accept the victory as an important milestone in Singapore sports? Should we or should we not speak to our international friends and brag about how we brought home the gold? The answers… are irrelevant, because the questions are incorrect.

As always, we have been asked the wrong questions. Questions carefully devised and placed to incite a certain response. The real question is, why? Why import? Are we not good enough? Will we never be? Have we degenerated to that stage already?

Remember when you were in school, there was this rich, fat kid who always got everything he wanted. Remember when you wrote a better composition than he did? Remember how he sulked about it? Now, remember how he did better than you the next time? What you don’t remember is seeing him pay his tutor to write a draft for him. And that’s who we are. A rich, fat sore loser.

How could we have sunk this low? That’s the real question. Why has it taken us only 45 years to concede that we will never achieve significant sporting success? Because that’s what this is about. We have conceded defeat. We’re done trying, we lost. So let’s buy some talent and win us some medals. What you can conclude is that the rich, fat sore loser isn’t very bright at all.

Sure, they are citizens on paper. Sure, they look just as yellow as I do. Is that all you require to be convinced, sports writers? That’s mighty shallow isn’t it? If you don’t feel even a tinge of annoyance, chances are you didn’t understand what was happening at the World Team Championships. It wasn’t Singapore vs China. It wasn’t even China B vs China A. It was Homegrown vs Mercenary. It was Free vs Paid. It was Proud to be representing country vs Proud to be playing.

It is important not to misunderstand the wrath and displeasure being displayed. Any implication that Singaporeans are outdated if they refused to embrace globalisation brings with it a tinge of arrogance. France won the World Cup with Zinedine Zidane, who despite being of Algerian descent, was born and raised in Marseille. But they did not win it with a team of Zidanes.

Cacau could never get into the Brazilian national team. Similarly, the German team does not comprise of 11 Cacaus. Lagat studied in Washington State University, and currently resides in Germany. He also had to serve a ban from international championship events for switching nationalities. If our sports writers fail to spot the vast, vast differences between our situation and theirs, then our papers have a very serious problem. Not that there was ever any doubt in the first place.

The truth is, there is nothing wrong with being “biase about an imported victory”. It only goes to demonstrate how much Singaporeans want Singaporeans to achieve success on their own. It shows how seriously we take ourselves, and how independent we want to be. It tells people that we will not be happy with just paying someone to write our essay; if we’re going to get a golden star-shaped sticker, we’re going to earn it ourselves. Even if it takes us decades. The world’s not going anywhere, we have all the time in the world.

The only insult present is directed at us; that we would have to put up with and celebrate a victory that is neither ours nor deserved, that we would be expected to glorify mercenaries, that our loyalty be doubted when quite clearly, there can be no question.

They did not do it in Singapore colours. They did it in pink, or white, or red, or blue, whatever their favourite colours were. But they most certainly did not do it for Singapore. And if you believe otherwise, if you believe that the image of our nation’s flag dancing in the wind was playing in their minds as they swung their paddles back and let out their now trademark grunts, if you embrace their victory as your own because you believe we neither can nor will do it on our own, then with the calmest of tones sheltering the most bitter of sentiments, I urge you to question your own allegiance, along with your state of mind.

This entry was written in response to an article… And I use the term “article” very loosely, by Chia Han Keong. It can be read here.

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