July 18, 2010

New Rules SG #3

Filed under: New Rules — theinkhorn @ 7:29 pm

New Rule: Yaacob Ibrahim must either tender his resignation, or buy every family in Singapore a boat. Be part of the solution, Minister.

New Rule: Organizers of the YOG, along with the government, must be tried for child abuse if they insist on making those poor kids sit through the games. Yes we’re pioneers. Yes the word “olympic” is impressive. Who gives a shit? If making defenseless kids attend an event that makes golf look like a rock concert just to make up the numbers fills you with pride, call a doctor.

New Rule: Watch where you aim your cameras, photogs. Never, ever try and snap a picture of a flooded street. The street may sue you for invasion of privacy. Not to worry though, our policemen will send you a friendly reminder… by detaining you for an hour. Hey, beats facing Poseidon in court.

New Rule: If we’re going to start arresting authors in Singapore now, I suggest we start with Kasandra Kong and Janet Chew. Alan Shadrake, author of “Once A Jolly Hangman – Singapore Justice in the Dock” has been arrested and will be investigated for criminal defamation. The book, written about the mandatory death penalty, was launched just last night. The MDA claims that the book has not been banned, yet bookstores have been ordered to remove the book from their shelves. Staff at Kinokuniya have confirmed that the book is no longer for sale, and will not be available to order either.

Remember when you were a kid, and your mom told you not to touch the kettle while it was on the stove. Remember how you did it anyway. Well the government apparently doesn’t. You’d think they’d learned their lesson from the Fajar Generation, but their skulls seem to have a few too many layers. In any case, the arrest will only spike the already growing interest in Singapore’s death penalty laws. If the government wanted to take attention off Yong Vui Kong’s case, they’ve just hung the noose round their own necks. Now everyone knows to take Shadrake’s book seriously. Smart move, men in white.

June 28, 2010

New Rules SG #2

Filed under: New Rules — theinkhorn @ 12:16 pm

New Rule: If we are going to spend $126 million on 1.5m ¬†high MRT¬†screen doors, SMRT needs to teach their drivers how to park. There’s a rule of thumb I think you should follow. It’s called “look out the door”.

New Rule: Kasandra Kong, published author of the book “This Is My Story”, must stop assuming that all women are as stupid as she is. Hey Marilyn vos Savant, if I want to read a poorly written book about the exploits of an egotistical, arrogant moron, I’d buy “A Charge To Keep”. Just because you didn’t have the good sense to guard yourself doesn’t give you the right to assume the same of everyone else. Remember, you’re Kasandra with a K. Your parents never gave you a chance.

New Rule: Muslims have to stop pretending that Sharia law is actual law. There’s a reason Sharia courts don’t employ lawyers; lawyers only practise REAL law. Jarkarta based hard-line muslim groups don’t seem to understand that their faux legislations don’t apply to everyone else. Abdul Rouf, head of the Bekasi branch of Muhammadiyah, has gone as far as to accuse the christians of going too far. Yeah, and the pot said to the kettle “hey homie, kool-aid?”

New Rule: England must change its national anthem to “God Save the Team”.

And finally… New Rule: The Belgium police must give lessons on enhancing testicular fortitude to their global counterparts, especially the US. Raids were conducted on a building where Catholic bishops were discussing key issues, including the child sex abuse scandals. Important documents were also seized as the bishops were kept incommunicado for nine hours. The Pope, along with lackey Cardinal Bertone, criticised the entire episode, with Bertone describing it as worse than the old communist regimes. Yeah, but it better be. There’s no way around it; catholic priests have been getting away with sexual abuse for too long. But you know what this tells me. This says that Bertone doesn’t take this seriously. This says that any catholic figure of authority who criticises any sort of investigation on them doesn’t take the crime of sexually abusing a young child seriously. This tells me, that the Pope himself doesn’t think it’s that big a deal.

If there is any chance at all, and there is a huge pile-up by now, that more children were sexually abused in the hands of the Catholic church, then stricter investigations must be conducted. Raids must be conducted. Interrogations, detentions, the works. The Catholic church lost its right to complain about unfair treatment the minute the Lawrence Murphy cover-up made the news. Police departments around the world must take a page out of the Belgians’ book. Even if it means substituting waffles for donuts.

June 24, 2010

New Rules SG #1

Filed under: New Rules — theinkhorn @ 2:49 pm

I hate to rip-off Bill Maher, but I think he is the top socio-political commentator today, and I think his methods, however crude, are effective in getting his message across. Which is why I will be mirroring one of his segments, starting today.

New Rule: The YOG theme song and video must be scrapped and buried, and never spoken about again. The songwriting masterclass that is “oh yeah” repeated over and over again, accompanied by cheesy hand gestures and ridiculously fake smiles is possibly the most annoying thing on the air, following “90210” and “Accidently On Purpose”.

New Rule: Aussie guys, who so often boast subtly about how macho they are, must now beat up Kevin Rudd to restore their dignity. Rudd gave an emotional farewell speech where he choked up at several points, undermining the Aussie manhood. And here’s the cracker: He’s being replaced by a chick!

New Rule: Portugal must offer the North Korean football squad refuge after potentially triggering a death sentence clause in their contract. You know what, additional New Rule: Portugal must cater to the North Korean’s living and eating habits, even if it means serving up grilled Pomeranian, Portugese style.

New Rule: If we’re going to experience political change, if we’re going to finally have a new government after 50 years, if we’re determined to make all that happen, politicians have to stop their bullshit and focus on the task at hand.

The Online Citizen reported today that former RP Chairman Ng Teck Siong has confirmed his registration of a new political party. Chia Ti Lik is reported to be co-founding the new party, which will be named the Socialist Front. Which, surprise surprise, translates into Barisan Sosialis.

Great, just what we need. Another party. The problem with our politicians is they don’t seem to understand the order of things. First you bake the cake, then you decide what colour icing you want on it. What we need now isn’t diversity. It isn’t options. It is unity.

Don’t get me wrong. I like plurality as much as the next guy. Let’s see. We have the SDA, SDP, NSP, WP, RP, USD… and those are just the active ones. And then of course, there’s Big Brother. Really, what are we trying to accomplish here? Our politicians need to get their head out of their asses and see that there is no way, absolutely no way, any of them will win an election on their own. Plant the seed, water it, let it grow, then decide how you want to kill each other over the fucking fruit will you?

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